Why I Finally Stopped Believing In Myself
You read that right.
I finally stopped believing in myself.
I used to love a good Facebook post that would remind me to...
"chase my dreams."
"believe in myself."
"decide I have what it takes to make my dreams come true."
If you go to my Facebook page or dig deeper into my website, you will probably find a post or two saying the same things.
Here's what I am learning. I shouldn't believe in me. At least not in the way those Facebook posts or the latest blog post making its way around the internet says I should.
I am not someone to believe in. I mess up and hurt people's feelings. I am selfish at times and care more about some things and not enough about others.
I've been chasing after a dream for a while now. But if you were to look inside my life, you might miss it. It isn't very evident. This dream of mine. Because I haven't really been chasing after it all that confidently. I've kept it a secret.
I whisper it to those closest to me and then hide my eyes, fearing they will think I'm silly for even thinking I could do such a thing.
I wake up early craving that this dream of mine comes true. I hold on to it like it is a secret that if shared will evaporate into thin air.
I am afraid. Because I don't feel worthy of it.
You see, I have been stuck inside myself trying to "find my brave" so I can actually get out and do something about this dream of mine.
It isn't getting me anywhere. My chasing my own dream.
Can you relate? Just a little maybe? Do you feel called to do something but keep holding back, waiting to feel brave?
All this time that I've been trying to be brave and chase this dream, I have come up empty.
I keep reaching down deep trying to find something in me that makes me worthy or even capable of really being brave enough to do the really hard things that my dream requires of me.
Haven't we all said "anything worth doing isn't easy" once or twice in our lives?
And I believe that. It's all about that comfort zone, stretching yourself, growth thing. But the difference in me now is that I used to believe in order to be stretched I had to dig deep within myself.
And nothing was happening. My digging deep within myself was getting me nowhere, fast.
God has recently taught me that I can glory in my sufferings because those sufferings produce perseverance; perseverance builds my character; and my character brings me hope.
Hope means that in spite of myself, because of God, I can do hard things.
I can be brave.
I have given up the fight. Instead of believing that I can do amazing things as long as I believe in myself, I believe in the me God made and in the me He continues to make. I believe He made me on purpose and for a purpose.
And He has made you on purpose, too.
I know this to be true. "For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." - Ephesians 2:10
He prepared these good works in advance. Not me, but Him.
In spite of my fear, in spite of my weakness, in spite of my crashing and burning on a daily basis...those things don't even matter. Because He prepared good things for me in advance. It has already been decided.
Where I am weak, He is made strong. I know my weaknesses and fears, but I also know my gifts and hopes. It's where those meet that I find God cheering me on to be brave. To step out and do what He has called me to do.
We can be confident in how God made us and walk confidently towards the dreams He has planted inside of us because His Word says "I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." - Psalm 139:14 ESV
Back to that dream of mine. I have decided to stop hiding, to stop waiting to feel brave. God is cheering me on where my gifts and talents meet my weaknesses and my insecurities. Where they collide is where He is shown to the world. Not me. Him.